My daughter, adopted at 23 months, had a deep well of rage boiling inside her. She had control issues centered around her desire to not let any of the immense anger and rage she felt come out; it was always there -- seething under the surface. She would do strange things like try to laugh instead of cry when faced with difficulty -- and in such a little 2 year old it was so bizarre. She was not avoidant or ambivalent, but more angry and insecure. But, the rage that had built up inside of her prevented her from relaxing in my arms or trusting that I would not hurt her or leave her.
What Holding Time did for her was give her an outlet for that rage and let her know that I was strong enough to weather her worst emotions -- and I would still be there when the anger was gone. From the very first Holding Time, which was frightening and awful for me (over an hour of raging) my daughter was a changed person. She sought me out, she laid her cheek next to mine, she trusted me and let me hold her normally (like a baby) without protest for the very first time. She held on when I carried her, she hugged me back, she looked in my eyes and smiled for no reason.
But, once the burst of rage was over, she was truly empty of all that bitterness and fear -- and completely ready to be "filled up" with love. It's like the release of all those negative emotions left space for all the good feelings she wouldn't allow herself to feel or express. It took very little time for her to start reciprocal affection in a very meaningful way once we began Holding Time.
Holding Time also allowed her to trust me. It really is like she saw that I was "bigger" than her anger and it didn't scare me -- so it was okay to put her life in my hands -- literally. As we continued Holding Time, slowly the patterns changed. She gradually moved from expressing rage during Holding Time to just crying out her angries. She went from sessions lasting over an hour to completely wonderful sessions that last 10-20 minutes (except she never wants them to end and refuses to get down)!. If Holding Time gets interrupted by the phone or door, she patiently waits, then goes right back to her crying once the distraction is taken care of.
Now my daughter NEVER tantrums. I don't know many other 2, 3, or 4 year olds that is true for. Especially a preschooler who used to have so much anger inside her that she couldn't skin her knee without it provoking RAGE and a kicking, screaming tantrum that refused all comfort.
My daughter is now empathetic and loving to everyone in the family, and her "view" of Holding Time is clearly seen in her own play with her dolls. When she does Holding Time with her babies, she cradles them in her arms and pats them gently. She tells them they need some time with Mommy so they can get their angries out and she talks very lovingly and softly to them, she rocks them and kisses them, she pats their faces and rubs their backs. How could something harm her that she obviously sees as such a loving and positive experience?
The one test for me in whether or not Holding Time was really effective for both my daughter and me was how it impacted our OTHER HOLDING experiences. I could not, and would not have continued using Holding Time if I had seen that my daughter actually feared the experience of Holding Time so much that she didn't want me to hold her during other times of the day (feeding, reading a book, singing to her, etc.). That was a very big fear of mine early on -- and it didn't materialize that way for us. She never seemed to confuse Holding Time with just being held. In fact, once I started Holding Time, she WANTED to be held so much more than she had before. She finally started letting me hold her facing me and would hang on. She started hugging me when I would hold her, she started pressing her cheek against mine when I would hold her, she started patting my back to comfort ME when I would hold her, and so on.
Today, my daughter is the most cuddly and snugly kid I could have ever imagined. She loves to be held, carried around, doesn't matter what position (even the cradle position that used to provoke instant rage). She is a "lover" and offers frequent verbal confirmations of her love for me and the other members of the family. She is always telling me "I luz you Mom" and "You're a good Mommy" and her feelings of trust and acceptance of my decisions are so sweet and genuine. Even when I have to tell her "No" to a request of hers, she will look a little disappointed, and then come over and lean her body into mine for a quick "pick me up" hug and then accept my words. Her true empathy toward others, repentant feelings when she knows she has misbehaved, and genuine joy at everything is a wonder to me.
I honestly believe Holding Time is responsible for who my daughter is today. I hope this helps other families figure out if Holding Time is the right path for their kids.
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