Many people know me because of Rainbowkids.com and Celebrate the Child, but the truth is that I am a mom first. I have three internationally adopted children, two from China and one from South Korea. I am about to adopt my 4th, who will be 28 months old when we meet her in China. Two of my daughters went through the attachment process without too much difficulty, but one was very tough. While preparing for this fourth adoption, I felt I could handle anything. But now that we are moments away from departure, I find myself hyperventilating and in a state of panic. I am terrified of that which I felt I could handle just weeks before now...another unattached child.
I would like to introduce my children in the order of adoption to lend perspective on how we perceived their attachment within our family.
Tori is 6-years and was adopted at 17 months from Kunming, Yunnan, China. She attached to her father first, then me, then carefully incorporated each family member. She is intensely loving but still suffers from fears of us leaving her, though I am with her every moment when she is not in school.
Teresa is from South Korea. She is 5-years-old, adopted at age 21 months. In Korea, Teresa had two placements before she finally ended up in an institution for the retarded. She is perfectly fine, though she was in an "autistic" state when we adopted her. At first she raged, and could not talk. It was a nightmare for the entire first year. I used Holding Therapy with her. I strongly believe her to be an "out of sync" child. She is just not with it all the time and still can revert back to an almost infant like state. I was ashamed that I truly did not love Teresa at first, as her behavior was violent and shocking. Unable to accept touching, including hugs, kisses, even stroking her hair, she would herself pick at her skin on her arms and scalp until she would bleed. Teresa wanted things to be done immediately for her, and if food/toy/whatever were not produced instantaneously she would scream and throw her body to the floor, repeatedly smacking her head on the hard ground and yelling her head off. If I touched Teresa or tried to hold her hand, she would either head-butt me with her own head to mine, punch me, bite me or kick me. It should be stated that almost none of these behaviors were done in front of anyone but me and her father. If a total stranger were in the house (and I rarely left the house with her, terrified of what would happen) she would lovingly cuddle that person and would always try to leave with that person when they left our home. My devotion to her was a threat to the safe wall she had built around herself.
Over time I have come to love her in ways my heart never knew were possible. With a lot of work, she has become a fabulous and wonderful child. Love was a choice we both had to make with each other. Trust was something she could not easily give. We have had Teresa for 3 years now and she is a changed little girl. Loving, bonded and able to give and receive affection. She has learned empathy and has a feeling of belonging. Now, I am completely in love with her. She is my hero.
Jenni is our 3rd daughter, adopted at age 8 from China, she is now 10.5 years. We adopted Jenni because we felt that Teresa had prepared us for anything ANY child could dish out. Well, we were in for a surprise. We have been waiting for 2 years for the bomb to drop and now realize it will not. Jenni is a fabulous girl who has attached and bonded, in her own time, to each family member. She is secure, loving, and a pleasure to parent (and normal in all ways...NOT perfect, just a surprising delight when we were prepared for the worst). She grieves for the loss of time we missed with her. She feels a full range of emotions for each part of her life, yet she maintains a positive outlook and a desire to deepen her relationship with each family member.
Now that we are about to embark on another adoption journey, I am so absolutely scared that our new daughter will be like Teresa was. I know I will love her, even if it takes time. I have walked this path before and know that no matter what I will find a way to accept her and work to form the bonds needed over any amount of time. I just feel more tired and more fearful for my other children than I ever have.
What my children's, and our family's, experiences have taught me is that every child is incredibly different. What I see with Teresa is that she is lacks a survival instinct that my other two children have loads of. Jenni learned to get attention and affection within her orphanage environment by being a very tidy, hardworking, obedient child. Tori, even as a toddler, had learned to be such a clown that she was (we were told by orphanage staff) the most charming child in the orphanage. Teresa just gave up. After being moved 3 times, she had no ability to accept love or form trust. Her spirit was wounded in ways that time and love could not heal....yes, she needed those, but she also needed a family that was proactive and able to seek out assistance for her. For two of my children, attachment and bonding formed naturally...for Teresa it took a true therapy environment to make that attachment form.
If I made any mistake with Teresa, it was that I was so ashamed of my own feelings of not loving her and guilt that she was so unhappy and angry, that I did not immediately recognize and find help. It was at least 5 months before I realized that I was the person in the way of Teresa getting healthier. No matter how I tried, I was not enough. After reading the book, "Holding Time", suggested by a good friend, I realized that I had to seek help. Unfortunately it was not close at hand, as I live in an area with no attachment therapists. I therefore sought to educate myself through reading, email lists and speaking with a therapist long distance, in how to help my child. Holding Therapy was the best thing that ever happened to this family. It was NOT easy. It can be difficult, but when you are out of options, sometimes you have to resort to that which seems strange at first.....but gives results unmatched in any other way.
Am I scaring you? I hope not. I am not special. I am just a parent. I, like any other parent, did what had to be done for my child who was wounded.....not of body, but of spirit. If you could meet my precious Teresa today you would see a child of great promise. She is artistic, she is completely in love with her family, she loves knock-knock jokes and can eat ice cream even on the coldest day of the year. She is fiercely protective of her sisters, and generous with everything she owns. Yes, I do fear getting another child with attachment difficulties.....but I know that it is rare and that God will stand beside my family no matter what.
|
|
|
